I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
