Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
