I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
