you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
