Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
