yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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