hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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