Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
