i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
birth control should be required to get into college
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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