She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Are we still banned from the library?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
