Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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