I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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