I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i wish my penis had a tongue
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
