Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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