Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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