I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
