two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
