So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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