Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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