I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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