I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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