i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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