And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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