My hand turned me down
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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