I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
