Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
