My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
