just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
