oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
