god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
