How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
