beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
pray to the hookup gods
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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