There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
