On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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