also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
