dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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