yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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