Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
