my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
