I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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