im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
