I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
