How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
