I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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