Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
