I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This baby is an asshole
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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