I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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