So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
