dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
