I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
